Family Fudge: A new way of thinking...

Today I went to buy groceries, and for the first time in several years, did not HAVE to make sure I had enough high protein foods, enough high sodium foods, enough dense calories, enough Gatorade to keep the boy healthy. I did not GET to buy them, I mean. I was a little embarrassed to tear up in the frozen foods section. Funny how those little things, things that are as much a part of my everyday taskings as moving wet laundry into the dryer and turning back the covers before climbing into bed, leave such a big void behind when I don't need to do them anymore.

For several years now, my subconscious has been filled with constant meter-reading of how he's feeling. Did he look tired when he got home from work? I wonder if he ate breakfast.

Has he had enough to drink today? It looks like his head might be bothering him. Why was he so dizzy yesterday? I wonder if those chewy candies might cause his jaw problems....

It's exhausting, mentally and emotionally. But it's also been necessary. Necessary for me to reassure myself that he is doing well, that he can manage himself, that the doctors were right when they said he'd be ok. And seeing him every day, even on not-so-good days, gave me a peace. Could I always fix him? No, but I could see him and touch him and make him rest or eat or take medicine.....

It's hard to explain what him leaving feels like. I've been through this twice before. I've known the pain of children growing up and on, and the joy of seeing them flourish on their own. But it's different this time. I think because my JOB for the last 4 1/2 years, besides teaching them, was to take care of him. Find out what was wrong and then find out how to make it better. And now what? I still have the little boy home, and I am, oh, so thankful for that. But my big mission is complete. My job is terminated. I feel like I should go to my recruiter and ask to reclassify since my current MOS no longer needs my skills.

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We made a little pit stop on our way to Wisconsin last week. You may know that we are, ahem, BIG fans of the Andy Griffith Show. Our dog is named after Barney's girlfriend! Well, we could pass up the chance to stop by Andy Griffith's hometown of Mt Airy, which was what Mayberry was based on. It was a quick stop, but worth it!

Why, it's the Darlins! I wonder where Charlene is....